My Brown Body

Yoga is a mirror to the inner world
Conditioning for the outer one

When I first started I felt like I had found a missing link
I had discovered a key that unlocked an entire universe 
The tingles in my body The warmth in my mind
The comfort in my spirit

I had found peace in the piece of myself that I didn’t even know I was missing My body

My strong beautiful brown body
Often admired
Thoroughly worked
She carried me through everything
I felt connected to my brown body for what felt like the first time ever

As I became more aware of how beautiful my movements were I became more aware of other peoples awareness of my body

After classes people would say
You have such a beautiful practice
Your practice is so strong
It felt good to be seen and recognized for my efforts

The awareness brought conflicting feelings and thoughts
On one hand knowing that my bodies movements felt good to me and looked good to others

On the other hand feeling a violation mixed with confusion
Other people were pleased with my body
But I was just moving for myself

Then became a tug of war in my mind
People are watching I cannot mess up
People are watching I have to stay strong
People are watching I have to keep moving
People are watching I cannot rest
I felt an internal sense of pressure to please those around me
Let them know that they were right when they saw me my body is strong and beautiful
The pressure became a crippling weight
While I still thoroughly enjoyed my practice I felt slightly self conscious I had to preform put on a show
No longer for myself but the outside world

Often one of the only brown bodies in the room I suddenly felt like I had to be the representative

I felt that I had to continuously prove that my brown body knew what to do in this space

I had to prove that my brown body deserved to take up space

I had to prove that my brown body deserved to be in that space

Mentally I became disconnected from the very sentiment that dragged me in My brown body

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